Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
