Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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