Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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