i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
