Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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