Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
