i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
