CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
