Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
