Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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