Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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