Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
