My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
