I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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