she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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