I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
