So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
