I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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