T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
should my penis look like a turkey
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
