I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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