the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
