drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
