oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
