what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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