nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
