4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
