Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
