Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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