If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
