We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
