I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
