smell my finger.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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