Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
