That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
