I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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