Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
not ubering you a puppy
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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