you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
