Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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