i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
