I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
