vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
