Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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