So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
