Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
