I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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