You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
