We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We were destined to go to rehab together
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
