I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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