My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
