Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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