I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
