there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
