you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
