i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
